THE CHARMER!

maish, festo & jose

Ladies are great suckers for love. They have such long lists on the traits of the kind of guy they would like to marry, Mr Right. I’m told most started planning about their dream weddings to the last detail since they were kids. Massive infiltration of Mexican soaps into our local TV stations is worsening the situation as these fictional characters become the standard against which we men are gauged. True to Darwin’s theory of evolution, only the fittest of the species survive and mate. To counter this madness a new breed of men has cropped up known as the Charmers.

 Charmers are guys who have perfected the art of ensnaring women with their charming personality, gaining their trust and love in record time. Dating one is so exciting, as they bring out the crazy edge in you, make you do exhilarating stuff you never imagined, make you forget all your principles and suddenly all you want is to live on the fast lane. To them dating is more of a sport, some do it for financial benefits and some just for fun. I guess you are now wondering if your new boyfriend is a charmer, right? Since I am not a shrink, we’ll skip the psychology behind the rationale and go straight to their characters.

The first thing you notice about a charmer is their mastery in words, a good sense of humour and eloquence; wordsmiths to be precise. They always say the right thing at the right time as if reading your mind. These guys are so good that they can even sell to you the sand beneath your feet and convince you it is a very rare mineral, using sweet words to charm their way into your life and talk themselves out of any trouble they get into. If you are determined to completely break up with such a guy then the greatest mistake you could ever do is listen to what they have to say, trust me his words are more addictive than cocaine!

Physical traits are an added advantage to a charmer, so dude you are on the right track hitting the gym for an athletic body just like the green-hooded guy in the new TV series ‘Arrow’ that chiqs have been drooling over. With the increasing hype about fitness and increasing levels of obesity a six-pack ,cute eyes and infectious smile will keep you way ahead in the pack.

Unlike in the 19^th century when the most eligible bachelor was the fearless, battle-hardened chap who had most parts of his body covered with scars and less fair skin, our 21^st century women are turned on by intelligence, thanks to Bill Gates and the other Silicon Valley big boys. A charmer will effortlessly converse about the increasing dominance of China’s influence on African economies, how a fibre cable works, how the oil is explored in Ng’amia one wells up in Turkana to what is happening in the Nairobi Stock Exchange market. At last, the world is becoming more accommodative to the nerdy guys!

To get into the league of charmers, you need to have a good sense of fashion; well-fitting clothes, a hair cut that suits your face, a few accessories to complement your look and invest in good cologne. On the subject of fragrance, please avoid the strong scents that entrepreneurs of Somali origin hawk in town. It is okay to be clean but not too tidy lest she thinks you are gay or suffering from Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Remember only to don what complements your look; don’t acquire aviator glasses when they make you look like a housefly!

Charmers prey mostly on careers women, high achievers, fiercely independent, lonesome and those who have had a screwed up life because they make a good challenge. What the charmer does is to simply listen to the horrid details of the traumatising experience she has gone through, offer a shoulder to lean on and share with her little details of his life that makes the lady feel trusted. Cardinal rule, “speak less and listen more’’

 If there is one thing I know that drives girls crazy, it’s some little Public Display of Affection (P.D.A); hold her hand in town, introduce her to your friends as the number one, kiss her in public and if you argue dude go right down your knee asking for forgiveness especially in crowded places like around the National Archives when everyone is watching. If she had any doubts about your feelings for her this would shatter them all. Guys club-hopping and binge drinking all through Friday night does not pass for a date, take her to a nice restaurant; where it’s just the two of you.

The downside of being a charmer is that you cannot afford to have a big ego, remember your catch is a rare jewel, a princess and your sole reason for living is to make her happy. You should make her feel like she is the greatest object of your desire that however much you try to leave you cannot because she has your heart. It helps when you expose some of your weaknesses to her since ladies like nurturing things, she will feel you need her to make you whole. If you always play the super-independent Knight-in-Shinning Armour she will wonder whether she has any role to play in your life and leave!

Whoever said honesty is the best policy clearly wasn’t a charmer, most of the times you will be forced to keep your true thoughts to yourself. “Honey, do I look great in this outfit?” she asks,brother even when you think she looks like a scarecrow  go ahead and tell her how awesome she is and convince her you are totally into her new look. When it comes to sensitive matters such as weight and the likes always say what she wants to hear.

For those who do it for the money you have to come up with brilliant business ideas that have the potential of transforming humanity and explain to her all you need is financing to make it possible or come up with a story of your sickly mom who is urgently in need of very expensive drugs and that’s what has been depressing you for the last few days. Since most women reason with their hearts she might as well give you the pin to all her ATM’s.

The greatest problem with being a charmer is that every new day  guys who are younger, better looking and slicker are coming up and soon enough your reigning days will be over, so brother you better work hard for your own money to get by in old age when even a shot of Botox cannot make you look younger.

Disclaimer: not all guys who portray some or all the above traits are charmers!

By lammergeier