The infamous valentine!

It is again a few days to the most dreaded day in the calendar of guys. The 14^th February, Valentine a day in honor of some long gone saint and an imaginary flying kid dressed in pampers carrying a bow and arrow. Just a mentioned of this day gives every dude creeps. The female human species have such high expectations that are almost impossible to meet. We the guys are under duress to pull a rabbit out of the magician’s hat; a pleasant surprise that the girlfriend can re-tell to her friends for the next 364 days. I blame this on the mainstream media, social platforms and unscrupulous entrepreneurs who poison the thinking of our women and hold us by the barrel to buy expensive gifts, go to exotic places and enrich them.

Ever wondered why valentine is on a February immediately after the toughest month of the year? Why not have it around Christmas eve so we can kill two birds with one stone? I’m inclined to believe it’s a conspiracy by the corporate players to boost sales.

Some of my friends have come up with following tricks to beat the V-day melodrama. Two weeks to valentine no hooking up with new chicks! According to them this period beauties are desperate to get mates; a simple smile would send them flying to you arms wide open. Suddenly every guy becomes more humorous than Erick Omondi. Crack a silly joke and the chick will laugh out so hard that her eyes might just pop out. Any single chick you meet will seem to be the kind that will get along with your mom, wife material.

 For those with girlfriends this is the perfect time to initiate serious arguments, bring up contentious issues then propose a break from your relationship. A week after the fateful day you go back professing you undying love and make up.

To other guys a day to valentine is the perfect time to ‘fall sick’, go visit you folks or jacked of your cell phone and pull the disappearing act only to resurface two days later with tales of how gun-trotting thugs accosted you in town making away with all your valuables.

Unfortunately guys like me who can’t pull off any of these tricks have no choice but to face it bravely like true African warriors. The most daunting task is getting the perfect present for her! I asked my female friends for advice; this is what they had to say “if you really love someone you can tell what they really want just from their conversations.” Does this shrink stuff really work? How the hell can one decipher conversations unless you are Mzalendo Kibunja’s protégé, the hate speech buster guy!

Do we stick to the cliché gifts roses and chocolate? You bought her a gold chain on her birthday, a wrist-watch on your anniversary, bracelet and many more accessories on the preceding special days what else can you buy? I once tagged two of my friends on this important mission of acquiring a gift for my chick, after 4 hours of darting from shop to shop in town we settled on a dress which I thought was the prettiest. Well let’s just say it never worked well. Get this from me, the worst mistake you can ever do is get an article of clothing that’s of the wrong size. If it happens to be smaller she’ll go ballistic that you are insinuating she is fat and if it’s slightly bigger then you are implying she too skinny! No wonder our life span is shorter than that for women!

The other source of headache is choosing a place to go for a date on this day. Where do you take her to? The museum?  Arboretum?  Java?  Animal orphanage? Bowling in capital centre, skylux lounge or boat riding in Uhuru park :p ? What if you’ve both been to all these places before? The worst thing about being a campuserian is having a weak economic muscle. The HELB loan and small allowance from your parents can hardly sustain you in college leave alone cater for a trip for two to the magical Lamu over the weekend.

On behalf of all 21^st century men I beseech our beautiful and most treasure ladies not to be so hard on us on this infamous day, as you can see you are very complicated beings trying to understand you is like tinkering with C-4 explosives, cut us some slack and if a dude buys you a present then you should realize he might have spent the last 3 months just thinking what to get you and another 6 hours searching for it so appreciate it. This is the month of love lets share it out with family, friends, and the less fortunate. Preach peace ahead of the general election on 4^th March 2013. Najivunia kuwa mkenya!

One more thing; please help a brother by posting here ideas on what gifts we can get you and places we could take you on valentine so we won’t have to disappear.

By lammergeier

tulips